


Lauren's Song

by Jazznsmoke



Category: The Walking Dead & Related Fandoms, The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Feels, Angst and Tragedy, Depression, F/M, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Notes, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-08
Updated: 2020-03-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:53:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23062024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jazznsmoke/pseuds/Jazznsmoke
Summary: Beth was going through the ultimate emotional battle. Every single last person that she loves died before her eyes, except for the man that she is in love with, and he had told her that he's not in love with her anymore, and hasn't spoken a word to her. We all know that Beth isn't the strongest, emotionally. We saw it when she tried to kill herself in the show. I know that she had found her reason to live, but all of her reasons for living got taken away from her, and all she could do was feel numb and pain. She couldn't keep on that way.
Relationships: Daryl Dixon/Beth Greene
Kudos: 11





	Lauren's Song

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: Trigger warning. If you have any problem with suicide or self harm please do not read this. Your health is much more important than you reading my chapter.
> 
> I do not condone self-harm in any way.
> 
> This chapter is rated M because of self-harm and triggers.

**Beth**

* * *

_Everything's gone. Our family. Our home._

_Judith._

_Daddy._

_Maggie._

_Glenn._

_Rick._

_Michonne._

_Mika._

_Lizzie._

_Tyreese._

_Sasha._

_Bob._

_Carl._

_Carol._

_The Woodbury Folk._

All of them. Gone. It's just me and Daryl now. He won't look at me, won't touch me. Won't talk to me. Not since he yelled that we gotta go, as those we loved got slaughtered around us. He used to hug me, and kiss me and whisper in my ear. He used to love me.

I tried writing in the journal he'd given months before the Governor attacked. I only had it still because it fit in my pocket and I always had it on me. I tried to feel some things more than numbness and pain. I wrote but it didn't change the feelings inside me. I wrote about the change in Daryl. In the months since he gave me the journal, how day-by-day he shut himself off, told me he didn't love me anymore. I wrote about the attack. I wrote about watching every single person I loved die before my eyes, and that me of all people survived with the one person who can't stand to be near me.

The first few days I tried to get him to talk. To say anything, even if it was just to tell me to shut up. Finally I stopped talking. I haven't spoken a single word in two weeks. But, neither has he.

Every moment that wasn't spent moving forward-my body and mind going about it in a numb haze- or sleeping I wrote in my journal.

I can't take it anymore.

I give up.

I'm not meant to survive.

* * *

I took the blade from its sheath. Another present from the man who can't stand me. I took one last look at his sleeping form by the remains of his fire. I pressed the tip into my left wrist along the scar that's there. Deeper than the first cut I made all those years ago. I let out a soft cry in pain and wonderful peace. I moved the blade to my other hand, my hand shaking. I pressed the blade in like I did with the first cut.

I watched as red pooled around my feet and covered my arms and body.

"No," I looked up at the anguished cry.

"It should have been me. Not them. You would have been happier if someone else had survived, not me. They should have lived. Not me. I'm not supposed to be here." I looked into his blue eyes for the last time.

* * *

**Daryl-**

I fell asleep listening to her write in the fucking journal I got her months and months ago. I haven't talked to her except to tell her we gotta go, since soon after I got her the stupid thing. I told her I didn't love her anymore and turned my back on her a week later, after her daddy and Rick told me to end things with her. I hated myself for it, but I did it.

I woke up to the sound of a sharp intake of breath and a small cry of pain. It took me a moment to get my bearings. When I looked over at her, to see what was wrong, my heart stopped. Blood everywhere and she had a knife to her fucking wrist.

"No," I cried out, my heart leaping out of my chest. I pushed myself to my leaden feet, stumbling as I tried to get to her.

"It should have been me. Not them. You would have been happier if someone else had survived, not me. They should have lived. Not me. I'm not supposed to be here." I grabbed her, pulling her body into my lap, trying to stop the bleeding. Her eyes locked onto mine and I watched as the light in them faded.

"No, no, please, no. I need you. Don't leave me. Please. You are. You're supposed to be here. Beth! No, please. I love you. Don't go. Please." I kept saying the same things over and over, rocking her in my arms. I knew the moment that she was gone. I felt the tears stream down my face. Could hear Merle in my head calling me a pussy for crying. I feel a sensation in my chest. I'm not sure what it is until I open my mouth and I cry out her name. It's almost a howl. Almost a scream, too.

I don't know how long I sat there with her in my arms but eventually my brothers' voice in my head reminded me what I have to do. I have to keep her from coming back. I reached down to my belt and grabbed the knife from its sheath. I closed my eyes, stealing myself for what I was about to do. I placed the tip under her chin and as gently as I could I pushed it in, making sure she wouldn't come back. I moved her from m y lap and stumbled a ways a way. I puked for who knows how long, than I went back to her.

I pressed a kiss to her forehead before going to dig her grave. When the grave was done I gently lifted her, cradling her in my arms. I whispered to her how much I loved her, and how sorry I was for telling her I didn't. I told her everything I wanted to tell her before but hadn't been able to. I told her how much I already missed her and how much I was going to miss her.

* * *

I buried her and marked her grave with a pretty rock she would have loved. It shone a light blue in the moonlight.

When I finished I went back to our camp and picked up her journal. I wanted to know what she was thinking, why she did what she did. And to be close to her in the only way possible now.

_I didn't know something could hurt like this. Who knew a broken heart would feel like your body is being ripped in half, stomped on and drug through broken glass. Daryl ended us; he said he doesn't love me anymore. I don't know what changed. I just know I miss him._

I felt tears trickle down my face, again. I kept reading. I got to an entry that must have been written right after we escaped.

_He used to hug me, and kiss me and whisper in my ear. He used to love me._

My heart broke even more as I read, "He used to love me," I read about the way I acted towards her, not talking, not acknowledging her. I read every page. She had an entry for each person that died that day. I read what she felt in the two weeks that she didn't speak. I felt the silence as much as she had. I wanted to say something, but I didn't know how to bridge the gap I had created. I was just trying to follow her daddy's and Rick's wishes, more so since they were gone now.

_I'm tired of feeling pain and numbness. I'm tired of the silence and of being a burden. I'm just tired._

That was her second to last entry.

 _I know you'll read this when I'm gone. I know you'll be hurting, but you're strong and you'll survive. I know you, Daryl. You're gonna miss me so bad, when I'm gone_.

_I know you blame yourself for what happened at the prison, for what happened to our family. It wasn't your fault. You did everything you could. You fought long past the point where any other man would have given up. They all would have been proud of you, and thanked you for doing what you could. Don't blame yourself for them or me._

_I know you didn't stop loving me. I saw it in your eyes every time you looked at me. I know you did it because of daddy and Rick, and 'cause you thought it was right. I forgive you. It hurt like hell, and I hoped you'd come back to me, but I know you wouldn't. You Dixon's are stubborn._

_Do me a favor, Daryl?_

_Don't give up. Move forward and find a way to go on and be happy. I couldn't do it. I'm not made for this life. I would have gone one way or another._

_I'm sorry for leaving you like this. I would have used the gun but that would have drawn walkers to you and I couldn't risk your life. I'm sorry you have to take care of finishing me, keeping me from becoming one of them._

_I know you love me; I can't help but to think you would have been happier if someone else had survived instead of me._

_I love you, Dar. I'll tell Merle he's an ass hole for you. I'll see you when you get here- when it's your time and not a moment sooner._

_I love you._

How could she forgive me? I don't deserve her forgiveness, especially not when I'm a part of why she's gone.

I packed up our belongings, not leaving anything of hers behind and started walking. I didn't care that it's dark and a big risk to travel at night.

I couldn't stay there. I'd do what she asked and find a way to keep going. I won't love anyone again, though.

I hope heaven needs you more than I do now.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This was hard as fuck to write. I thought of it as I was going to bed, so I stayed up for three more hours and wrote it. It was one of those that I knew I wouldn't be able to write if I waited. The mind set would be gone. I admit it- I cried like a freaking baby when I wrote this. There are tear marks ALL OVER the pages in the notebook that I used to write this.
> 
> I don't condone self-harm or suicide. I had been dealing with some self harm issues within my family for a few days so that's probably part of my inspiration behind this and what I had Beth do.
> 
> Beth was going through the ultimate emotional battle. Every single last person that she loves died before her eyes, except for the man that she is in love with, and he had told her that he's not in love with her anymore, and hasn't spoken a word to her. We all know that Beth isn't the strongest, emotionally. We saw it when she tried to kill herself in the show. I know that she had found her reason to live, but all of her reasons for living got taken away from her, and all she could do was feel numb and pain. She couldn't keep on that way.
> 
> We all know that Daryl is stubborn and will do what ever it is that he thinks is right. Especially if he thinks that it's protecting the people that he loves. Hence he told Beth that he doesn't love her. Daryl won't give up. Especially not if she asked him not to, as her last wish. He regrets every second he didn't spend with her and didn't get to tell her how he really felt.
> 
> Lauren's Song isn't about suicide. It's about David and Kyle (of Breathe Carolina)'s friend that died in a car crash, that was taken from their lives far to soon, and how much the world was going to miss her. I thought it was appropriate because of Daryl's POV in this. The song is haunting and catchy and absolutely beautiful and simple. I strongly urge you to listen to it. The last line of this story is a direct qoute of the song.
> 
> "I hope heaven needs you more than I do now." I thought that was the perfect note to end this on.


End file.
